The Meat Market
by hxchick
Summary: What happens when JJ and Emily discuss the male members of their team while drinking? They learn interesting things about all of their team members.


Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.

The Meat Market

_This story is written in response to LacytheDemonicDuck, Angel N Darkness, PrincessAletheia's Song Prompt Challenge Forum-Embarrassing Song Title Prompts 2._

_Prompt: Bootylicious_

* * *

Both JJ and Emily looked up from their drinks as a perfect specimen of the male species passed by their table. They both sighed longingly in unison, and without thinking, Emily mumbled, "I'd hit that."

JJ choked on her drink and set it down, "Emily!"

"What?" She asked, trying to school her features into an innocent mask, "It's true, I would totally tap that."

"God," JJ said laughing, "You sound like such a guy!"

Emily smiled, "I know, but it's kind of fun, don't you think? I mean if guys can ogle us and evaluate us like we're meals to be devoured, why can't we do it back to them? Besides, it's been awhile since I've eaten, and mama's hungry!"

Laughing harder now, JJ nodded her head, "I hear you; ever since will left I've been going through a dry spell and let me tell you, if something doesn't happen soon, my dry spell is going to turn into the Sahara Desert!"

"Listen to us! We work in one of the most male dominated occupations and we _still _can't get laid! What's wrong with us?" Emily asked as she signaled the waitress to bring them another round of drinks.

JJ sighed, "Most guys feel threatened by strong women, even those who work in the FBI. I guess they see us as a threat to their manhoods and careers."

"The only agent who should see me as a threat to their manhood should be Hotch. I swear, if I catch him staring at the girls one more time, I'll cut off his manhood!" Emily ranted.

"Come on Em, if you put them front and center the way you did yesterday, the man is going to stare!"

"What are you talking about?" Emily asked, confused.

"Really? You mean to tell me you _really _don't know?"

"Know what?"

"That our unit chief is totally, one hundred percent, head over heels in love with you!" JJ practically shrieked before remembering she was in a bar that was frequented by FBI agents.

Emily shook her head, "Get outta here! Hotch is _not _in love with me!"

JJ nodded emphatically, "Dave told me he has it bad for you and you wearing that tight red shirt that was cut practically down to the navel was just cruel! How could you expect him _not_ to look? It's like waving a red cape in front of a charging bull!"

"Both you and Dave have _so_ read the tea leaves wrong on this one. Hotch is my boss and sometimes my friend and nothing more," Emily said, uncertainty creeping into her voice.

"Right, right," JJ said placatingly. She took a large sip of her drink and watched as Emily tried to process the news. She could almost see her friend's brain short circuiting and she watched as she put what she'd heard into a box in her head.

Shaking her head, as if to clear it, Emily asked, "You know what they say about people who live in glass houses, don't you?"

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" JJ asked, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

"It _means_ that I'm not the only one who has an admirer amongst the male members of our team," Emily said smugly.

"Okay, if you're referring to Dave, I can explain-" JJ was cut off by her now tipsy friend.

"Oh I've gotta hear this! I can't wait for you to explain why you and Dave have eaten lunch together every day for the past two months. I would love to hear why he is on the approved list to pick Henry up from daycare. I want to hear why he's gone over to your place for dinner almost every night since Will left. Please explain it to me," Emily instructed with a large smile on her face.

"It's not what you think, Em," JJ said. "Rossi's just helping me out. It was tough when Will first left us and Dave helped me get Henry into the Bureau's daycare by pulling some strings. He also fixes things around the house and he helps me with Henry at night. In exchange, I cook dinner for him so he doesn't have to go home and eat alone. We're just friends," she said firmly.

"Well you might be 'just friends,' but I can assure you that Dave wants more. You honestly don't see the way he looks at you?"

JJ shook her head, "No, I don't."

"Well then, you might want to visit an optometrist, because you need some pretty strong glasses." Emily finished her drink and signaled for yet another round. "Dave is smitten with you, JJ. He looks at you with both love and lust in his eyes and he acts like a horny teenager whenever you're around. Good God, I'm surprised he doesn't have to carry a big notebook in front of him after the morning briefings!"

JJ shook her head, "You're wrong, he sees me as a colleague and nothing more."

"Sure he does," Emily said in the same placating tone her friend had used minutes earlier. There was a moment of silence as the waitress set their fresh drinks down on the table, and then Emily broke it. "So if Dave made a move on you, would you go for it?"

"Are you kidding? Right now if the _mailman_ made a move on me I'd go for it!" JJ told her, not entirely joking.

Emily snorted, "No seriously, for a guy his age, Rossi isn't hard on the eyes."

"No, he isn't," JJ said. "And I've heard he's pretty well endowed."

It was Emily's turn to choke on her drink, "What? Where'd you hear THAT?" She asked, shocked at what her mild mannered friend knew about their colleague, and also surprised that she'd kept it from her for as long as she had.

JJ shrugged, "I'm the media liaison, I make it my business to know what you guys are up to, and it wasn't too hard, pardon the pun, to suss out some of Rossi's previous conquests. You know Irene down in the archives?"

"Not sweet old Irene!" Emily nearly shrieked, "No way was did she and Rossi…" She trailed off, unable to verbalize the rest of her thought.

JJ nodded, "Back in the old days, before he retired. Anyway, she said that while most guys were this big," JJ held her hands about six inches apart, "Rossi is _this _big." She doubled the amount of space between her hands and Emily looked completely stunned. "And apparently, he knows how to use it."

"Okay, I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified," Emily said, shocked. "One thing I do know is that it'll be awhile before I can look at Rossi without giggling."

JJ laughed, "I know, it took me awhile too."

Emily leaned in conspiratorially, "So what do you know about Hotch?"

JJ shook her head sadly, "Nothing. He was married to Haley when he joined the FBI and since their divorce and her death, he hasn't dipped his pen in company ink. From what I hear, he lives like a monk." JJ took a large drink of her margarita, "Do you think his 'equipment' is up to par with Dave's?"

"I don't know about that," Emily said, "But God, have you ever noticed what a fine ass the man has?"

JJ scrunched her forehead as though she was concentrating hard on something, "You're right, he _does _have a pretty nice ass!"

"Nice? Brad Pitt has a nice ass, Hotch's is phenomenal! He dropped a pen in front of me the other day, I think in hopes that I would bend down and get it and he would be able to get a free peek down my shirt, but I didn't and it took all of my self control not to squeeze his butt when he bent over to get it. I'm telling you JJ, the man is bootylicious!"

"Thanks, now I've got that song running through my head," JJ complained.

"I'm not kidding," Emily said, ignoring her friend's interruption, "Someday I'm going to get that man into a pair of tight jeans and just stare at his ass for hours. Of course afterwards I'll have my way with him, but I'd admire the view first."

Laughing, JJ said, "Listen to us, we're as bad as the guys! We're totally treating Dave and Hotch like slabs of meat!"

Emily nodded, "We are and we should be ashamed." She waited for a minute before asking, "So what about Derek?"

Grinning, JJ asked, "What about him?"

"What do you think his best feature is?"

JJ thought about it, "Face it, all of his features are great, the man is a walking Adonis; even the bald head is a turn on!"

Emily nodded thoughtfully, "You're right, he looks wonderful, but I don't know if I could ever be with him. In my experience, the good looking ones are either lousy in the sack, or they're so worried about their appearances that they don't spend a whole lot of time focusing on me."

"You're right," JJ agreed.

"What about Reid? You know what they say about guys with big brains, don't you?"

"Trust me, that cliché is overrated. I should know, I've seen Spence naked."

Almost shooting her amaretto sour through her nose, Emily shrieked, "What? You've seen Reid _naked_?"

"Would you lower your voice?" JJ hissed. "Yes, I've seen him naked!"

"When? How?" Emily sputtered.

"It was before you joined the team. We were on a case and Reid had chased an unsub onto a half frozen pond. Long story short, both of them fell through the ice and I was chosen to ride in the ambulance with Spence. Once inside, the paramedics quickly cut off his wet clothing and voila! Suddenly I was staring at a very naked Dr. Reid."

"Wow…so how did he look?"

"Well his, ahem, manhood was average in size, but let me tell you, our sweet and scrawny doctor is hiding one hell of a six pack under all of those vests he wears!"

"Really?" Emily couldn't believe it, Reid looked as though he could barely lift his own go bag, much less have chiseled muscles under his shirt.

JJ nodded, "Really."

"Wow, okay…I think it's time for me to be cut off. I never thought I would lust after Spencer and now that I am, I feel a bit dirty," Emily told her, signaling for the check.

"I know, when I saw him naked and felt a…stirring, I felt as though I was ogling my own brother!" JJ said, grimacing.

They both paid their tabs and got up, "We have to do this again and soon," Emily said as they walked towards the door.

"Next time we'll have to talk Garcia into ditching Kevin for the night, because that woman has private information on just about everyone who works in our building," JJ said as they both climbed into a cab.

Back in the bar, the occupants of the booth next to JJ and Emily's sat in a silent shock. Dave and Hotch had arrived at the bar just minutes before JJ and Emily had and once they'd heard the women talking about them, they'd ended their own conversation so they could listen. Needless to say they were both stunned and horrified by what they'd heard.

"Did we really just hear all of that?" Dave asked, once he'd regained the use of his faculties.

Hotch nodded, "Unfortunately we did. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"

"Well, we can either ignore what we heard or we can use the information to our advantage."

"I think we should do both," Hotch told his friend.

"What do you mean?" Rossi asked.

"First, I think we should forget all of the information we heard about each other and the other male members of our team," Hotch suggested and was relieved when Dave nodded. "Second, I think can both use what we overheard."

"Evidently, I need to buy a large notebook," Dave said sheepishly. "I also need to stop dancing around the issue and finally tell JJ how I feel about her."

"Good for you Dave," Hotch said. Without saying anything else, he reached into his pocket, threw some bills on the table and stood up. He had taken two steps away from the table before his friend stopped him.

"Where are you going?" Dave asked.

"I've got to get a pair of snug fitting jeans," he told his friend with a grin. "And then tomorrow, I'm showing up at Emily's house for breakfast." With that, Hotch left the bar, leaving Dave in a stunned silence.

* * *

**_A/N 2: And now for some shameful self-promoting...I've been nominated for the _****Profiler's Choice Criminal Minds Awards **in numerous categories, including best overall author (which I REALLY wasn't expecting), best OC driven story and a bunch of other ones. Please check out the final ballot at http:/ / forum. fanfiction .net /topic/74868/33067839/1/ (remove the spaces). Be sure to vote before November 30, 2010!


End file.
